Are You Messing With Me?

Breakfast of Champions

Sweet Baby James,

I've always loved Goldfish crackers. But I didn't ever think I'd be eating them before 9 o'clock in the morning because every other food I even thought about made me want to barf.

Love,

Momma

You Belong to God

Sweet Baby James,

Hello dear one! Yesterday I really had a moment with God where I sort of turned you over to Him, so to speak. I have a feeling I'll have to continually do this for the entire rest of your life!

Like every pregnant momma, I have some nagging fears about something happening to you before you are born, such as having a miscarriage. That's one reason we're trying really hard to wait to tell everyone about you till you are a little more big and strong inside me. For whatever reasons, the first trimester has a much greater chance that something can happen.

I know this is a real possibility, but it isn't one I'm hoping for. I pray fervently against it, that God would continue to knit you together in me, and that you would grow and form perfectly as you are meant to do. I'm doing my part, too, to stay away from anything that would harm you and only put the good stuff in. Even things I thought I loved and could never do without - like Diet Coke! I gave that up cold turkey the minute I found out you were coming! And Baby, your Momma loves her some Diet Coke. But you know what I found out? I love you more.

Even with all that I can do, however, there are still things that could happen. And yesterday I had some prayer time where I really begged God not to let that happen to you.

In my Bible study at church we are going through the book of Daniel. There is a lot about it I don't understand! But yesterday my study was about loyalty, and about pre-determining the answer you would have regardless of the situation. For example, the leader said it wouldn't matter the situation, but she felt confident that if it ever came down to giving her life to spare her children, she would do it without a thought. I imagine I will feel the same way about you! Then we kind of translated that idea to our faith and our walk with God. Is there anything that could happen in my life, whether by God's hand or the existence of evil in our world, that would cause me to turn away from God? I don't think I've ever been faced with something that intense before. But loyalty is about deciding ahead of time the kind of decision you would make.

I waited for what felt like so long for the time when I could finally become a mom. I think going through a miscarriage might be one of the hardest things I've ever had to experience in my life. So yesterday when I was praying and crying to God I decided that if that did happen, I would, by his grace, remain faithful. If I believe in the most joyful season that God is in control, orchestrating life for my good, then I would have to believe it even in the hardest, darkest, saddest moments of my life.

You belong to God anyway, my sweet baby sesame seed. By his grace and favor I'm carrying you for this season, but I always want you to know who you are. You are a child of God! As much as I longed for you, and as much as I will love you in this life, He longed for you and loves you infinitely more.

I pray that God will increase my love for Him so that it overflows into my love for you every day!

Love,

Momma

Sesame Seed!

Sweet Baby James,

I have to stop calling you my little poppy seed because you've already grown to be the size of a sesame seed. It is still so tiny but look how much bigger than last week already!


You are growing like a champ! Apparently this is why I am so tired, because all the systems of my body have abandoned me in favor of working on you. I'm totally okay with this, by the way.

No more weird food stuff to report so far. I have felt a little nauseous on and off but it seems to go away if I eat something.

I had to go all weekend long without telling anyone about you, and that was HARD! I accidentally almost spilled the beans on Friday night when we went to have dinner with another couple. She is pregnant too, although she's about to have her baby in just a couple weeks. It was a close call, but I think Dad saved the day with a misdirection.

I also talked to my parents on the phone (you'll know them better as Grandma and Grandpa) and I had to bite my tongue not to blurt it out. But I really want to tell them in person, so I'm trying to figure out when we can get to see them again. I am not a good secret keeper, my little sesame seed! This is hard work!

Love,
Momma

Knit Together

Sweet Baby James,

Good morning! I am thanking God for you this morning! I read these verses and just cried at the new meaning He has given them for me through you!

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

Pretty cool, huh? God is knitting you together in me right now. Do you know what I found out? So I'm five weeks pregnant, which means you've really only been around three weeks (I know, I don't get it either). Three weeks - just 21 days - and already the major systems of your body are being formed. This very week - maybe this very minute - your heart is dividing into the chambers it will need to beat and pump your blood. How God can orchestrate all of this to happen inside my body is seriously amazing.

I really love the part that says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." You belong first and foremost to God. I feel like I've been waiting most of my adult life to be your momma. But God has been waiting since before time began with YOU in mind! I don't know what your heart sounds like or what your sweet face will look like, but he knows all your days, and all the ways he will use you for His glory! When I think of it that way, I can't believe he's giving you to me for this time! Now THAT is truly humbling!

Wow, and I thought I had a problem overusing exclamation points in my writing before this. Thinking about you just brings them out I guess!

Love,

Momma

PS. !!!!!!!!!

I Ate A Banana

Sweet Baby James,

That might not mean anything to you, that I ate a banana, though I hope you enjoyed it. But it means something to me, because I hate bananas. Today I was just looking at the bananas I bought your dad and I said out loud, "I think I want to eat one of those." I have no idea where that came from, but I suspect it was my first official craving. Of course, halfway through I got sicked out by the texture and had to stop. So I guess technically I only ate half a banana. Still, it was 100% more banana than I've had in probably 20 years.

Food desires/interests have definitely started coming into play with this whole being pregnant thing. I actually noticed it before I even knew about you. Last week, two days in a row, the only thing I wanted for lunch was a Chick-fil-a chicken sandwich. Same for this week. Even though usually I would get the nuggets, because they are cheaper and I like them better, every time I got up to the counter to order I would open my mouth and instead of "kids meal with nuggets" I would say "chicken sandwich, wheat bun, no pickle." (By the way, I don't care what kind of crazy stuff you demand, I can tell you right now I'll never eat a pickle. Don't even ask.)

Mostly I'm just not really hungry at all. But I promise you, I am going to try to eat good things that will make you strong and healthy! I have not had the best eating habits in my life, but then again I've never had a motivation like you.

I told someone else about you today! This was a very important person in my life, my friend (you can call her Aunt) Jenny. You might hear me refer to her as "Nay." We had a standing dinner appointment and I hadn't decided whether I was going to tell her or not. I figured if she didn't ask me about it, I wouldn't say anything. See, we talk about everything, and so she's known for a long time how much I wanted you!

Well, as you can imagine, it didn't take long before I spilled the beans! It is just too hard to keep you a secret! She was very excited and that made me even more excited. It was wonderful to share with someone I love so much. My little poppy seed, you will love Nay so much too! She used to be my roommate in college, and she is so smart! She works with soldiers who have been hurt to help their brains get better. She loves Jesus so much and is really inspiring to me!

Love,

Momma

Dream Come True

Sweet Baby James,

This morning I took another test. Just to be sure. And so I could show your dad the instant results. And guess what? You're still in there!

Did you know this week you're as big as a poppy seed? You're obviously the smartest and most beautiful poppy seed ever, I'm sure.

Today I felt like I was keeping the biggest, best secret of my life. Which I guess I am! I want to tell everyone about you! But the smart thing is to wait until you're a little bigger and a little stronger, so that's what I'm trying to do.

I did tell one person today. It was so exciting to actually say the words! I told my boss at work. I work at a bookstore. (Books are awesome and you will LOVE THEM.) I have to be on my feet a lot and I have different hours each week, so I wanted to tell her in case I start to feel sick or faint or whatnot, so she'd know what is up. I made her swear up and down not to tell ANYONE.

Speaking of that, let's have a little chat. Right now, I feel pretty good. I get really tired very suddenly, but that's about it. I don't feel nauseous yet. As I've read, that can actually kick into gear in the next couple weeks. But I rather like not barfing. So how about we make a little arrangement, you and I, where you don't make me sick and I will... I don't know. Let you date when you're 16. Yeah.

On my lunch break I also went and bought two important things. First, a book to teach me what the heck is going on with me and you for the next 9 months. There's a lot for me to learn! Second, I bought us some vitamins because I want you to be smart and healthy and strong and not have three arms or something. I'd love you even if you did have three arms, but we can all agree two well-formed arms are probably for the best. It was pretty crazy buying these things, because it made it seem more real that YOU are real!

Tomorrow I'll tell you lots more about how you are making me feel. But for now, my little poppy seed, I just want to say that I love you and waiting for you is my new favorite thing.

Love,

Momma

WHAAAAA?!?!!

Sweet Baby James,

Today I found out you were coming.

How it it possible!?! Well, obviously I know how it is possible, but still. How is it possible that you are just a speck but I'm already in love with you?

Your momma gets ahead of herself sometimes. Back to the story of how I found out I was pregnant with you.

I had been feeling kinda funny, but mostly just the usual kind that a girl feels every month. If you are a girl, I apologize in advance that you'll have to go through this. If you are a boy, I want you to understand that girls are very special and should be treated with lots of respect because we go through a lot for you guys!

But since I knew it was a possibility that I could be pregnant, I could NOT. STOP. THINKING ABOUT IT. I was wrestling with the idea because I know God is in control and I didn't want to display unbelief by worrying about something that was ultimately out of my hands. I was supposed to be getting ready for my women's Bible study and finally I just figured I would take the pregnancy test and then I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

I had prayed for so long about how badly I wanted to be your momma. So I really hoped it would be positive. But I didn't actually expect it to be. So you can imagine my surprise when after about 15 seconds I was looking at this:

It's basically idiot proof, and the little plus sign there? That means positive. Positive means pregnant.

I started shaking. I started crying. I got down on my knees right there in the bathroom (where, by the way, I really need to vacuum) and just sobbed my gratitude to God. I'm pretty sure I told you I loved you a couple times, too.

Now I had to compose myself and go to Bible study, which I did, grinning like an idiot the entire time. On the way home I stopped and picked out a card for your dad from you. I signed it for you (hope you don't mind, but your arm buds haven't really formed yet) and then waited for him to get home.

And waited. And waited and waited and waited. Sometimes your dad works really late - but just so you know, he's doing it because he loves us so much and wants to take care of us. Also he does not have a great sense of time. Hopefully you won't inherit that...

Anyway, finally I couldn't wait any more and I went to sleep. You have been making me really sleepy even before I knew you were coming! I left the card on his pillow.

I am a light sleeper (hopefully you won't inherit that either) so I woke up when he came home. I pointed to the card and told him I got him something. He sat down and opened it. I think it took him a minute to get it. When he did, he came around to my side and we hugged and I cried some more. Happy tears, I promise!

So you'll be making your world debut around May 28th. And believe me when we say, we can't wait to meet you.


Love love love,

Momma